Important lessons I've learned from The Secret Life of the American Teenager, from ABC Family...
1. If you have sex before you get married, your father will die. Immediately. And, moreover, the better the sex, the more tragic and horrible the death will die. Good sex = plane crash. That's what happened to Grace. And she was religious. Also, for the rest of your life, you will have to live not only with the knowledge that you killed your father through sex, but also that he was mad at you when he went down in the fiery crash.
2. If you have sex, even with sixty forms of protection, you will get pregnant. No matter what. That's what happened to Amy. And her mother.
3. If you have sex with enough random people, there's a good chance that one of them will end up being your step- or half-brother. That's what happened to Adrien.
Ok, that's all I've learned so far. But I'm going to have to keep watching.
Prioritizing Your Trial Preparation
"Listen. I don't care if you want to send me on a wild goose chase, looking for some kind of alibi that doesn't exist. If you want me to go here and there, looking for places that might have you on video, looking for proof that doesn't exist. I don't mind.
But remember, I only have so much time to spend on any one case. And if you want me to waste yours searching for your fictional alibi witnesses, that's fine. Like I said, no problem for me. Being out in the field is sometimes more fun that being in the office, prepping a case for trial.
But those hours spent are hours I'm not spending researching potential legal issues in your case, or coming up with a... what do you call that... defense. You know, things that might actually help you, unlike pointlessly sending me on a train up and down town all day.
But that's your decision. You let me know."
To which my client said...
"Uh huh. I just thought of another place I coulda been. Write this down, you can subpoena the video..."
But remember, I only have so much time to spend on any one case. And if you want me to waste yours searching for your fictional alibi witnesses, that's fine. Like I said, no problem for me. Being out in the field is sometimes more fun that being in the office, prepping a case for trial.
But those hours spent are hours I'm not spending researching potential legal issues in your case, or coming up with a... what do you call that... defense. You know, things that might actually help you, unlike pointlessly sending me on a train up and down town all day.
But that's your decision. You let me know."
To which my client said...
"Uh huh. I just thought of another place I coulda been. Write this down, you can subpoena the video..."
Apparently, I Would Slap My Father
Have you heard about this? It's in every newspaper.
The articles, such as this from the New York Times (try bugmenot.com if you need a password): Op-Ed Columnist - Would You Slap Your Father? If So, You’re a Liberal, basically describes how liberals and conservatives express the emotion of disgust at different things.
Examples are how disgusted a person would feel when stepping barefoot on an earthworm or smelling urine in a tunnel. Conservatives feel more disgusted than liberals. Perhaps the smell of urine is the real reason why conservatives can't be public defenders.
For example, the other day in court, I had an old man client. He asked me if he could go to the bathroom before his case was called. He came back into the courtroom with the entire front of his pants wet. Was I disgusted? Nah, more like amused. Did I shake his hand? No, I'm liberal, not crazy.
Anyway, I can see it now. A whole new branch of voir dire questions. "Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I just found a fly in water. I'm going to keep drinking it anyway. Raise your hand if you're disgusted. Your honor, I would like to use my peremptory challenges on the people raising their hands."
If you want to try the questions yourselves, they're at YourMorals.Org. (You have to register, I don't think bugmenot is going to help you for this one.)
The articles, such as this from the New York Times (try bugmenot.com if you need a password): Op-Ed Columnist - Would You Slap Your Father? If So, You’re a Liberal, basically describes how liberals and conservatives express the emotion of disgust at different things.
Examples are how disgusted a person would feel when stepping barefoot on an earthworm or smelling urine in a tunnel. Conservatives feel more disgusted than liberals. Perhaps the smell of urine is the real reason why conservatives can't be public defenders.
For example, the other day in court, I had an old man client. He asked me if he could go to the bathroom before his case was called. He came back into the courtroom with the entire front of his pants wet. Was I disgusted? Nah, more like amused. Did I shake his hand? No, I'm liberal, not crazy.
Anyway, I can see it now. A whole new branch of voir dire questions. "Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I just found a fly in water. I'm going to keep drinking it anyway. Raise your hand if you're disgusted. Your honor, I would like to use my peremptory challenges on the people raising their hands."
If you want to try the questions yourselves, they're at YourMorals.Org. (You have to register, I don't think bugmenot is going to help you for this one.)
Ounce of Prevention
I try to be a holistic attorney.
Generally, the younger the client, the more time I spend on the little extras - reminding them about court dates, reminding them about things they can do between court dates to help their case, helping them figure out how to avoid further legal trouble.
For one recent young client, I spent a lot of time talking to him and his family about what to do when they felt the police were harassing them in the neighborhood. I've represented him on some tickets he had outstanding. I got him signed up for a college prep program. I got him an application for a summer job. I've spent my waiting time in court helping him with his homework and reviewing his job applications and resume.
But when I met his young girlfriend today in court, all I could think was "If I don't google 'where to find free condoms' and print the list for this client, all my effort will have wasted."
Generally, the younger the client, the more time I spend on the little extras - reminding them about court dates, reminding them about things they can do between court dates to help their case, helping them figure out how to avoid further legal trouble.
For one recent young client, I spent a lot of time talking to him and his family about what to do when they felt the police were harassing them in the neighborhood. I've represented him on some tickets he had outstanding. I got him signed up for a college prep program. I got him an application for a summer job. I've spent my waiting time in court helping him with his homework and reviewing his job applications and resume.
But when I met his young girlfriend today in court, all I could think was "If I don't google 'where to find free condoms' and print the list for this client, all my effort will have wasted."
A Recipe By Blonde Justice
Start by slicing a little bit of avocado for the tiny salad you're having for dinner.
As you're eating dinner, start to wonder what you should do with the rest of the avocado.
Try googling "how to store avocado" and then "how to store avocado cut."
Find out you need lemon or lime juice to make the avocado not brown. Wonder whether you might have some lemon juice. The bottled kind.
Look through fridge, realize you don't have any lemon juice. How could you? You think there's a lemon juice fairy that would have come and put that in the fridge? Because it's not something you would ever think to buy in the grocery store.
Google guacamole recipes. Realize you don't have cilantro, onions, or tomatoes.
Look through the fridge for anything that might have any kind of citric acid in it.
Find a half jar of peach salsa in the fridge.
Cube up the avocado. Throw it in a tiny bowl. Pour some peach salsa over it.
Stir. Try to use the back of your spoon to smoosh up some of the avocado, but still leave it a little chunky. Toss a pinch of lavender salt on the top, stir that in too.
Throw a piece of flatbread in the toaster oven.
Spoon the peach guacamole on the warm flatbread wedges. Yum, yum, yum.
Congratulate yourself on being a genius in the kitchen. Write about it to your blawg.
As you're eating dinner, start to wonder what you should do with the rest of the avocado.
Try googling "how to store avocado" and then "how to store avocado cut."
Find out you need lemon or lime juice to make the avocado not brown. Wonder whether you might have some lemon juice. The bottled kind.
Look through fridge, realize you don't have any lemon juice. How could you? You think there's a lemon juice fairy that would have come and put that in the fridge? Because it's not something you would ever think to buy in the grocery store.
Google guacamole recipes. Realize you don't have cilantro, onions, or tomatoes.
Look through the fridge for anything that might have any kind of citric acid in it.
Find a half jar of peach salsa in the fridge.
Cube up the avocado. Throw it in a tiny bowl. Pour some peach salsa over it.
Stir. Try to use the back of your spoon to smoosh up some of the avocado, but still leave it a little chunky. Toss a pinch of lavender salt on the top, stir that in too.
Throw a piece of flatbread in the toaster oven.
Spoon the peach guacamole on the warm flatbread wedges. Yum, yum, yum.
Congratulate yourself on being a genius in the kitchen. Write about it to your blawg.
Pardon The Dust
I found out that Blonde Justice wasn't loading right in Internet Explorer, so now I'm messing with new templates. Please excuse the appearance while I tidy up.
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