Zima Confession Time

MillerCoors announced this week that the malternative beverage known as Zima, introduced by Coors Brewing in 1992, would be discontinued.

Zima was my underage drink of choice.

And I have a confession to make. I've never told anyone this.

One year, my college roommate and I had a bad relationship. Basically, we hated each other but pretended to be friends because (a) all of our friends were friends and (b) we thought it would be easier to just finish out the year on friendly terms than for either of us to move. We both went to the on-campus therapist and complained about each other and then we were nice to each other. It was the most dysfunctional relationship of my life.

Anyway, one weekend, we had a party, during which we served Zima with Jolly Ranchers. You drop the candy into the Zima, and then the Zima (otherwise somewhat flavorless) takes on the candy's flavor.

My beloved roommate was finishing up her Zima, she had it completely upside down over her mouth, trying to get the last few drops out. The candy was stuck to the inside bottom of the bottle, now up in the air, and she was shaking it a little bit, as if she was trying to get the candy to drop down.

I was a little drunk, so maybe I just wasn't thinking, but I used the palm of my hand to smack the bottom of the bottle (which was now up in the air) and SPLIT HER LIP. Blood everywhere.

I apologized profusely, but, I'll now admit, in the back of my head, I thought it was kind of funny. I didn't do it on purpose (I would have never even thought of it) but, after it happened, it really was kind of one of my shining moments.

And, there was a fringe benefit... For a few days, she gave fewer slutty random blowjobs to anyone and everyone in the dorm room that I had to share with her for a few days. I never intended it, but I'm a freakin' genius.

But, I figured now that Zima's days are over, I could finally tell you all about it.


  1. LMAO!!!

    Oh, your poor roommate..but I wish I could have been there to witness this.

    Ah, Zima. I used to drink Zima with grenadine when I was in college. I can't believe they're discontinuing it. College kids will just have to drink Natural Light now.

  2. Just a couple of comments...

    "For a few days, she gave fewer slutty random blowjobs to anyone and everyone in the dorm room that I had to share with her"

    (1) You say that like it would be a bad thing.

    (2) It's good you were able to put all this behind you so you can talk about it without any bitterness.

  3. Zima with grenadine? Then you don't need Jolly Ranchers! Then... what excuse did you have to split your roommate's lip?

  4. Yes, Zima with grenadine was the best! It was like drinking a Shirley Temple, but with a kick.

    "It's the good kick, lollipop."

  5. It's 1:00 in the afternoon, I have to be in court in half an hour, and right now I am totally and utterly jonesing for a Zima with Jolly Ranchers. (Or possibly grenadine - brilliant.) I haven't had a Zima with Jolly Ranchers, in, well...since 1994 probably. But, that takes me back to my college sorority house.

    It would probably be wrong to try to get one of those before court, right?

  6. LawMommy, I say go for it! Zima won't be around for much longer, you might miss your chance...

  7. I don't think I've ever tasted Zima but you also made it sound kinda good. So...um....whats your old roomate up to these days?

  8. Haha! That just made me spit out my Zima. Er, red wine.