Everything I Need to Know...

You ever heard of that book, "Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned in Kindergarten?" I keep thinking that some day I'm going to write my own version, "Everything I Need to Know to Not Get Arrested I Learned in Elementary School."

Recently I was on trial with a client charged with larceny. (That's theft, or stealing, for those non-lawyers among us.) It must have been about the fourth day of trial. We had gotten through the entire morning session, and were just about to take a break for lunch. My client leans over to me, and says, "Oh, this morning, I found this..." and pulls a wallet out of his jacket pocket. I wait a minute, expecting him to open his wallet and show me what he found. Finally, he says, "This wallet. I found it in the hallway this morning just before court."

I freaked out. "You mean to tell me, you're on trial for larceny, and you're walking around the courthouse with someone else's wallet in your pocket? Are you crazy?"

He said, "Uh, I didn't know what else to do with it."

I said, "Well, how about just leave it there? You didn't have to touch it. Didn't your mother ever tell you, 'Don't touch things that don't belong to you?'"

And then it dawned on me. His mother probably didn't. Or he didn't listen. Otherwise, he wouldn't be my client.

"Listen," I said as calmly as possible, "here are some words of wisdom for the future that will probably help you in a lot of tough jams: Don't touch things that don't belong to you. Got it?"

And, he said, "Yeah. Yeah. I guess you're right." And it was like I could see the wheels in his head turning. I could see that moment of recognition on his face. It was like I could read his mind. "If I don't touch things that don't belong to me... I wouldn't have been busted with a car full of stolen property... hmmm... maybe she's right."

I was in court with another client, and we were sitting at the defense table, and I grabbed a few files out of my bag, and put them down on the table in front of me. They were files for other clients, I thought I might get a few minutes to look through them while we waited for the judge. My client reached across and grabbed the files. I politely said something which meant, "Excuse you, those aren't for you." "Oh, uh, oh." In this instance, this could be either a client who is ignorant of the "don't touch things that don't belong to you" rule, or a client who honestly just believes everything in the world is for him, and about him, and belongs to him.

But still, I wonder how many of my clients just never got those basic elementary school lessons. Either because they absentee parents (my public defender clients) or because they had mothers that thought rules wouldn't apply to their little angels (my current clients.) "Keep your hands to yourself," would probably help half of my clients.

Another big percentage could have really used a lesson in, "Don't put that in your mouth/nose/vein, you don't know where it's been."

And I can't count the number of times, I've listened to my client's story and thought, "Well, if he told you to jump off a bridge, would you have done that too?"

Yes, I can see a bestseller in my future.

But Can Burt’s Bees Turn ME Green?

You may remember this post, in which I wondered whether applying Burt's Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream to my lips. might kill me. We even got some scientists involved in getting the answer.

Well, just over three years later, the New York Times attempts to answer just that question, in the article Can Burt’s Bees Turn Clorox Green?

If you don't want to read the three page article, we can cut to the chase:
To prove his own bona fides, Mr. Replogle grabs a bottle of Burt’s Bees avocado butter hair treatment, squeezes some onto his finger and dramatically licks it off. He then passes the tube to two Clorox executives so they can have a taste.

“If you can’t put it into your mouth, you shouldn’t put it on your skin,” he says. “I’d like to see other companies do that.”

Funny, because I have a little sample tube of the avocado butter hair treatment that I want to taste... I mean... err... try.

Last Chance

Alright, I know it's a longshot, but I thought I'd mention that it's your last chance to vote for your favorite blog in The ABA Journal Blawg 100.

Go vote for Blonde Justice in the "Crime Time" category!

I'm even willing to trade votes, if you want me to vote for you in The Rodneys.


I've never done crack. But I would assume that the addiction is a little bit like having a day to "work from home" and finding a Top Model-thon on VH1.

Must... turn... off... TV.

Just one more cycle!