Friends Don't Let Friends Be Bitches

A friend of mine said something really hurtful to me today. I wish I could tell you exactly what she said, because I know you would say, "Oooh, girl, she said that!?!" but it's impossible to give the whole set-up, but suffice it to say that she wasn't trying to be mean, she was being... thoughtless, probably... and anyone else, ever, who heard it would say, "I cannot believe she just said that." And she just kept blabbing on.

So, the way I see it, I have the choice of about 3 different courses of action.

1. Ignore it; pretend either I didn't hear it or it didn't bother me. And, in my head, write it off to, "She just didn't realize," or "She was just being insensitive."

2. Confront it. In whatever way. I could say something then and there, I could confront her privately later, I could write an email saying, "I was hurt when you said..."

or

3. I could just be mad, and not be her friend either (a) until I'm not mad anymore or (b) forever. Just, cut off ties.

So, what did I do?

Right then and there, as she said it, I said really calmly, "No, I don't think so," and got no further than that (and, truthfully, I was really trying to just wrap my head around what she had just said), and she just kept going, "No, it's true because..." So, um, no arguing with that, right?

I removed myself from the situation pretty quickly. I just didn't want to deal with it right then and there.

And, now, the more that I think about it, the more I feel like maybe I just don't want to deal with it ever. I confront people and argue for a living. Sometimes I just want a little peace in my life.

And I think, "Well, that's just her own issues that she's taking out on me, and that's just her own insensitivity." And then I think, "I just don't care."

I keep thinking, I have so many friends that I don't get to see enough, that I don't get to talk to enough, that I wish I had more time for, should I really put in such an effort to salvage a friendship with someone who can be so insensitive and just outright bitchy to me?

I guess I don't need to make a decision today. It's not like I'm going to call her tonight and say, "I'm not your friend anymore." Unless that's what y'all vote I should do. Let's hear it.

17 comments:

  1. Well, I would bet she doesn't know it was hurtful. So if you never talk to her again, she'll never know why, and she'll think you're a bitch plus she'll keep doing hurtful things to people. So it's definitely better if you talk to her about it (or email her, if you're more cool headed that way), but there's no hurry to do so. Give yourself a few days to cool off, go take a bath or have a beer and relax. Then when you feel better, bring it up with her.

    And if she's still hurtful to you when you talk to her about it, then tell her you can't be friends with her if she acts that way.

    Good luck :). Whatever she said, I'm sure it's not true.

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  2. Honestly, she might not understand how much whatever she said hurt you. At least give her the benefit of the doubt and try to explain to her that this IS a big deal to you. You would hate to have regrets when making the very big decision to end a friendship

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  3. Judging by the number of former friends I have, I tend to say insensitive, tactless things that make people take the "flee her forever without saying why" option. I know this about myself, although sometimes I still don't recognize when I'm doing it. I would ask you to please consider saying something to her. She can't learn if her friends keep leaving. It drives me nuts that people choose avoidance rather than calling me on it when I'm a bitch. Not okay to be bitchy, but trust me when I say that she may not realize she's doing it.

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  4. It takes two to form a friendship. Your friend definitely committed a friendship foul with her insensitive comment. But as I see it, if you cut her off and do not deal with her anymore, then you wouldn't be any better as a friend. Please understand I say this in the context of not knowing what she said, it may truly be something so heinous that cuttin' and runnin' is kosher. I can understand how arguing and fighting in your job everyday makes you not want to deal with it in your personal life, but this is people and no relationship is without this work. If you get in the habit of cutting people off everytime there's a misunderstanding because you just don't want to deal, then you're going to wind up alone. Analyze your relationship with her and see if the whole of it is worth saving or not and make your decision from there.

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  5. Just tell her it hurt your feelings and be done with it.

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  6. I think you should talk to her about it. She probably didn't even realize that what she said bothered you so much.

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  7. Friends are scarce. If she truly is one, tell her you were hurt, and work through it.

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  8. I would look at the relationship as a whole. Does this type of behavior happen often? Do you constantly find yourself in situations where you feel like this friend is bringing you down? If not, then you really want to think about how you want to react to this situation. Also look at what you get out of the friendship. What will you lose/miss if the two of you are no longer friends? If you decide to discuss things with her, her reaction is also important. Look to see how seriously she takes your words and what her level of concern is in regards to your friendship. A really good friend will be somewhat sensitive/responsive to the situation even if she thinks you're overreacting.

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  9. I just went through the same situation with a friend earlier this year. Except that it happened on a trip - and I just needed to get home and through the traveling. Drama and insensitivity do not sit well with me, and I'm in the minority here: you should cut and run. Any adult should know how their behavior effects others, and if they don't know that already, they just don't want to know. You telling her isn't going to change her.

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  10. I agree with the poster who said you should consider your friendship as a whole. From how much this is bothering you, I have a suspicion this is not the first time she's pissed you off and acted like it's nothing.

    I for one would not judge you if you decided to cut and run. Of course, only you know the best way to approach the situation, but there are simply some people in this world who never learn, the hard way or the easy way. God didn't put us here to spend our time fixing other people -- it's hard enough to keep ourselves halfway decent as it is. If you think there would be any value whatsoever in talking to her, AND you actually WANT to talk to her, then talk to her. But if you don't see it really making her a better person (and if you guys are really friends... you probably have a sense of whether or not she'd listen), or you just plain don't want to talk to her, then don't. For heaven's sake, she's not your two-year-old daughter. She'll live even if she never figures out why you don't talk anymore.

    Do I win for harshest comment? ;)

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  11. I completely agree with the last two commentators. I recently dealt with the "toxic" person in my life and sometimes it's just better to give up hope and move on with your life.

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  12. I say cut 'er off. Don't go out of your way to do or say anything. You don't want to put any effort into this. This isn't about vindictiveness or revenge. Just don't waste any more thought or time on sunk costs and focus on nurturing the relationships you truly care about.

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  13. Never has anyone epitomized my sentiments exactly as when you said: "I confront people and argue for a living. I just want some peace in my personal life...." Please please, let me know if you ever find it! I think because of what we do, our personality attracts those who feel confrontation is what we are all about. From my kids to my husband, I know I never get a break, I hope you do. As far as this friend, ice her out for a while, maybe she will get the hint and back off the rude comments.

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  14. Aw, c'mon, what did she say?

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  15. I find that when people have to resort to confrontation, hurt, yelling, all around bitchiness, who needs them? Move on, why waste precious time when there are plenty of friends who you can actually enjoy being happy with. Life is definitely meant to be full of joy and love.

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  16. Who needs a friend who is unkind?

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  17. it's about basic respect and boundaries. a friend who doesn't have respect for you or respect when they are violating boundaries is not worth having.

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