Call Me... Spinderella. Yeah, That's It.

Teahouseblossom has her own problems with Starbucks, but the thing that really bothers me is when they ask for my name.

Um, I don't even know you. And I certainly don't think we've worked our way up to shouting-out-each-others'-names status. Am I the only one who feels a little uncomfortable with this? Maybe it's the anonymous-online-persona thing, but I feel like my real name is... personal. I know I put it on the record in the courtroom ten times a day. I know I use it to introduce myself to total strangers who have been accused of committing crimes. But, I still don't want it shouted out in a crowded coffee shop.

Lately I've been coming up with fake names. It started out with me just using other nice female names. (When I was a kid, I thought the most fun part of playing "house" was coming up with my new name.) I wondered when they would confront me, "Hey, didn't you come in here yesterday morning, order the same thing, and give a different name?" But they never did.

Then, I decided it would be funny to give them the name that is on their own name tag. But it seemed like they never really noticed. None of them had such a unique name that they'd stop and look up at me and say, "Wow, I never thought I'd meet another woman named 'Orangina-tangerina,' what are the chances?"

So, now I've just been getting crazier and crazier with my name selections. I particularly like to use celebrity names. And the baristas will shout at "Cafe Mocha for Snoop Dogg" without ever batting an eye.

It reminds me a little bit, though, of my clients choosing their aliases. Sometimes I'm just looking around the Starbucks, stumped for a name, and end up with something like, "Um... Cash Register? Uh, yeah, Cash. That's it, Cash."

And you wonder how my clients end up with names like "Desk Chair Jones?"

Or, sometimes, if the drink takes particularly long to make, I end up falling into another pitfall that my clients also fall into... Forgetting my alias.

Five minutes later, I'm still standing at the counter when I finally mention, "Um, I'm waiting on a Half-Caf Soy Latte?"

"What's the name?"


"Here's one for Beyonce. Is that you?"

"Uh... um... yeah, I'll take it."

But I suppose that's better than sitting in a jail pen all day, waiting for a lawyer, and not realizing my lawyer has been calling out the name that I made up hours earlier and have completely forgotten.

"Sorry, Judge, but Curtains Floor Smith isn't back there."


  1. I like to give the name "Donner" at restaurants that want to shout out your name when you are seated. Then the hostess has to shriek out "Donner party, your table is ready" and we laugh because we are nerds.

  2. I used to hang out with these guys when I lived in San Antonio, and they had a friend who would show up to a bar with us once in awhile, and his name was "Lunchbox." I mean, his boss called him that, his friends called him that, he was introduced to me with that name. I always wondered if his mom calls him Lunchbox as well.

  3. You think that's bad... There was this guy in college named "Gutter." EVERYONE called him Gutter. I'm pretty sure it was because he was kind of slimy looking... like he just climbed out of the gutter.

    I don't think I ever learned his real name.

  4. I didn't mind giving my name at restaurants, but I got tired of them always asking me how to spell it. So now I just give them a name that's easy to spell so they don't ask.

    -- Mark Draughn (pronounced "drawn")

  5. I had a friend who always used Elvis but she was an attention whore.

  6. You know their name, it's posted right on their name tag. Besides, corporate came up with the policy, they're just carrying it out.

  7. Funny you should post this now. I just had this conversation with a bunch of clients who work in the adult entertainment field. The Best of their Nom de Plume? Strokahantas.
    The girl thinks she looks like Pocahantas from the Disney Movie. (I don't really see the resemblence but what do I know?) Then she had to "Porn it up" a bit...
    My other favorite client names?
    Dirt Bag. Yep, everyone, friends and family called him "Dirtbag" mostly cause he looks like Pig Pen from Peanuts right down to the dust that eminates from him and
    My all time fave: Nassau V. Coliseum, a name taken by a waaaaay too wasted guy arrested on "Shakedown Street" outside a Grateful Dead Concert at (where else?) Nassau Veteran's Memorial Coliseum. Every time he'd call collect from the jail the announcement would come over the Legal Aid Society loudspeaker "Nassau V. Coliseum Calling Collect." Seems he was so wasted he couldn't remember his real name!!

  8. Someone I know married a guy with a big long ethnic hard to pronounce and even harder to spell last name. One night she ordered a pizza and I told her I could pick it up on the way to her house. When I got to the pizza place, they couldn't find her order. I kept spelling it for them, but they had no idea.

    Finally I called my friend and said, "How do you spell your last name?" She spelled it for me again, they checked again, still no order.

    Then my friend said, "Wait. Are you at the pizza place?"


    "Tell them Smith. I ordered the pizza under the name Smith."

    Guess you have to do whatever is easiest.

  9. Rumor has it Bush calls Dick Cheney "turd blossom."

  10. There was this guy in college named "Gutter." EVERYONE called him Gutter.

    Hey, I didn't know you went to Port Chester University.