The Womb, Endless Source of Beer Cozies

I got together with a few of my cousins this past weekend. (We're all girls, there are no boys to "carry on the family name.")

One of my cousins is 35. We'll call her "Nelly." Nelly got married about 2 years ago, and had a baby about a year ago.

What's the nicest way to say this about Nelly . . . She's immature. (Yes, that's the nicest way to say it.) She married this guy that everyone in our family hates (and I think she might hate him too), because she was in a hurry to have a baby. Why? Because her older sister (let's call her "Kerry") has a baby, and Nelly was upset that Kerry and her baby were getting so much attention. So, I guess Nelly decided that she needed to have a baby too. (Yes, a good reason, I know.)

So Nelly married this guy, who has been her underachieving boyfriend for years. Underacheiving is a bit of an understatement. The best thing I can say about him is probably that he can drink a lot of beer. If you ever have trouble finishing a keg after a party, he's your man. Hey, but you have to have things to be proud of, right?

And he just looks worse in comparison. When Kerry met her husband, we all hated him. There's nothing particularly bad about him, he just doesn't have much of a personality, so we thought Kerry could do better. Now that Nelly married a total loser, we all find ourselves saying things like, "Wow, we used to hate Kerry's husband - but at least he has a job!"

So, I got together with a bunch of my cousins this weekend, including Nelly. Nelly brought a giant envelope full of hundreds of pictures of the baby. (FYI, the baby was there. It wasn't like we needed pictures to see what he looks like or anything.)

Everyone took a turn flipping through the photos and saying "Oooh, he's so cute." (I don't get it! He's right there! If you want to see him be cute, turn towards him and pay attention to him!) Finally, it was my turn.

I started flipping through the photos, and it only took me a few seconds to realize... hey, there's something weird about these photos...

The first one, baby in a little baby chair thing. In the background, a case of Coors Light.
Next picture, baby on a beach. In the background, a case of Budweiser.
Next picture, my cousin's husband that we all hate, baby in one hand, Corona in the other.
Next picture, baby in the pool with Mommy, Mommy holding a Molson.

This continued for 100 photos.

Are babies the newest drinking accessory? Do they maybe think they can submit these photos somewhere, and get the kid a job in beer ads? Or, is parenting really so bad, they always need a drink?

But, most importantly, how hard is it to do what people have done for centuries (or, ok, at least decades) and hold the beer bottle behind your back - or even behind your kid - when the camera points your way? I mean, seriously, frat boys hold their beers up to the camera, mommies and daddies don't.


  1. I think we have 1 or maybe 2 pictures of us with Angry Boy and a beer. Because we thought it was funny, once or twice. We don't have 100s of pictures of him and beer. 'Cause that's, like, sad.

  2. I also have a cousin who is best described as "immature"... I'll call her "N2" (Nelly2). N2 got married a few years ago to a guy whom we all think is great, and we thought she had made a fabulous choice (although maybe he didn't), wished him the best of luck dealing with her, hoped he'd help her grow up, etc.

    One holiday before N2 got married, my stepmother gave N2's then-fiance (or even boyfriend?) a present. A nice gesture, right? Not according to N2. She asked my stepmother why she had give the boyfriend a present when my stepmother should have saved that money and spent it on her instead.

    N2 is now pregnant. I'm worried.

  3. I totally see what you're saying! The pictures should have had something like Sam Adams or a nice West Coast microbrew.

    Imagine, a can/box of Coors posing next to a shorty...Sheesh!


  4. Well, maybe he's one of those babies that never sleep (I had one of those), and she's trying to, er, medicate through breastmilk?

    Sorry, can't think of any other reason.

  5. You wonder if it's true that alcoholism runs in the family?

  6. oh dear! That's kind of scary although I know i dated a guy in college whom would be exactly like that now.

  7. So your cousin is brittney spears?

  8. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My wife has a cousin who also married a guy who, at the very least had no personality, but we didn't really know him. So they have a kid together, just months after my wife and I had ours. So, for her, everything is now a competition, even though hers is a boy and ours is a girl, and ours is several months older. It's only natural that an older girl at that age is going to be slightly more advanced than a younger boy, right? She apparantly thinks that's wrong and does all kinds of stupid things to prove it, like turn his car seat around when he's still so young that getting in an accident that way would kill him, or putting him in a toddler bed as soon as he could walk so now he runs around the apartment in the middle of the night unsupervised.
    To top it all off, they live directly above us, and we hear her screaming at the top of her lungs how much she hates her husband almost daily. So, what do they do to solve their marriage problems? Have another baby!!! Just born last week, and their more unhappy than ever. Makes all the sense in the world. Sheesh.