Meditation and Relaxation with Alvin (of the Chipmunks)

I go to this amazing yoga class. The short title (if there was one) would be "Yoga for Relaxation." You can take the class as an intro to beginner yoga, or if you have any sort of sports injury, or just as a relaxation and intro to meditation class. There are also pregnant women who take it because it's a pretty gentle class.

Basically, the point is just stretching and relaxing. No difficult or strenuous poses involved. It's mostly just awesome creative stretches and then just hanging out there for a little while so your body can get totally adjusted. We use a lot of props. So, for example, using a strap to help you get into a stretch you might not otherwise be able to get into. The teacher comes around and maybe gives you a little scalp massage or dabs a little lavendar oil on your wrists. We finish off the class with chanting.

It's the greatest thing ever. It's like a mind-clearing nap and a massage put together. It leaves my body like putty and relaxes and centers me. I go every week, and I feel like it is so important for getting me in the right mindset for the week to come.

Tonight, I got to the yoga studio a few minutes before class. It was still dark and the door was locked, but I figured the yoga teacher was probably on her way. I hung out on the sidewalk and looked at the homes for sale in a nearby realtor's window.

It was about time for class to start, but I knew the yoga teacher would be along soon. A few other people eventually gathered and were standing around the door to the yoga studio. I was pondering the homes, and how far they were out of my price range, when I heard this voice.

"Blonde!" she screeched from across the street. (I hate it when people shout out my name.) "You're late for class!" It's too bad someone's house wasn't on fire, because her voice is more irritating than a firetruck's siren.

She was headed to yoga too. And rather than take a second to think, "Hmmm... there are 10 women standing in front of the yoga studio in stretchy pants, maybe it would be dumb to shout to one of them that she's late to class," she had to make her annoying voice heard. Don't people with annoying voices realize how bad they sound? Has no one ever said to her, "Shhh... your voice is really grating?"

Ugh. She came over to talk to me, but I pretended to be so engrossed in the homes for sale that I couldn't engage in conversation. I tried not to be rude (and, really, I think she's so obtuse she didn't notice), but really, this is my tiny little bit of me time to completely relax. And, I didn't want to spend it listening to her smoke detector voice.

Finally, the yoga teacher got there, and we all went in. Wouldn't you know that she of the screechy voice had to lay her mat right next to mine? Imagine having to hear that voice "Om"-ing next to you. How am I supposed to relax to that noise?

No big deal, right? How much talking is she really going to do during yoga? It's not exactly something that calls for a lot of conversation. Especially this kind of relaxation yoga. But, no, she talked through the whole thing. Mostly just complaining. "Oh, I can't do this." "This is too hard." "How long are we going to hold this pose?" "Oh, my knees!" Then, most of the time, she didn't even do the poses! Like, she was there, but just doing her own thing, not yoga!

Seriously, it was like maybe she didn't even come there for yoga, she just came there to take my chance at relaxation away from me.

I swear, the whole thing just put me more on edge. Now I'm going into the week crabby. Oh well, I'll probably have to take it out on some little prosecutor.


  1. She talked through the class?! Is there any way you can mention this to your instructor (you don't even have to name names) and ask her to remind the class before the next session that talking--even to oneself--should be kept to the absolute minimum? Or say something like, "If you're talking, you're not concentrating"? Or something? Jesus, how annoying. I'm stressed just thinking about how irritated you must have been.

  2. Bleh, people with annoying and screechy voices suck. We should figure out a way to prevent them from breeding, so that gene gets eliminated from the pool.

  3. Hi B -- you should say to her "you're violating my happy space."

  4. I am not sure if you have the stones to let this slip through your mod queue, but allow me the following genteel commentary on your latest missive against all that is truly evil in the world (namely, those silly meanie girls in Yoga!!)

    After finding your blog and reading this post, I was tempted to impale my corneas on an auger drill bit, lest I accidentally allow my tender orbs to gaze upon this space in the future.

    Needless to say, you are part of the vast parasitic populace feeding on the internet like some group of crazed, keyboard-wielding Gary Buseys. If you wrote like this in law school, you are fortunate that your professors did not forcefully explore your nether regions with Emmanuel's (Torts ed.)on a semi-regular basis for subjecting them to your written beef tripe.

    For the love of all that is holy, please remove this page from the internet to allow some poor slob with a recipe for Beef Goulash to move in, or for that matter, ANYTHING that would be remotely useful. The last thing this great, wondorous medium needs is more squat, hulking bodies of waste like your blog.

    Thanks in advance,

    Hyman Roth

  5. You know, no one forces you to read it. And yet you do. And take the time to comment on it. Not just a short comment either, but a few paragraphs. And then, you take the time to write about it on your own blog. So, it can't be that bad.

    Thanks for reading! Maybe you'll get what you really came here looking for, which is a few more readers to your blog.