Drop the Arm & Hammer!

Last night, after work, instead of going home and crawling into my warm and comfy bed, I went to the jail to see one of my clients.

And thank god I did.

Because, as it turns out, I didn't know a single fucking thing about criminal law until I met with him.

I was clueless.

You've heard of a jailhouse lawyer? Well, apparently one week in jail has made this guy some kind of jailhouse law professor.

Yes, that's right.

And I learned such important tidbits as this one:

"Possession with intent to sell? I can beat that! I can beat that! I can beat that! I can beat that! You don't understand, I can beat that."

"Why don't you tell me how you think you can beat that?"

"Well, it was cut. I cut it. I cut it. I cut it. I cut it. I cut it. (Obviously, he has a problem with repeating himself. And spitting when he talks, which is hard to portray to you through a blog.) Therefore, they cannot prove purity. And it is an imperative element that they prove purity."

"What kind of purity do you think they have to prove?"

(See, I'm using the reverse-socratic method. He's the law professor, but I'm asking the questions. Gee, I'm glad I spent my evening on this, instead of eating dinner. )

"Obviously, they have to prove 100%. 100%. 100%. 100%. The statute doesn't call it 'Possession of cocaine and baking soda,' the statute is called 'Possession of cocaine.' That means nothing more. That means nothing more. That means nothing more. If I was charged with intent to distribute cocaine and baking soda, then maybe they'd get me."

It's funny, because most of my clients attack the "intent to distribute" part of the statute.

"But, do you think that maybe the fact that it's cut with baking soda only goes to show the intent to distribute? People don't cut their own cocaine that they're keeping for personal use."

"You don't know the law. You don't know the law. You don't know the law. You haven't read the law. I have. I have. I have. It's not a crime to have baking soda."

9 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post! I'm not trying to be glib, but your jailhouse professor reminds me of Tom Cruise talking about his knowledge of the history of psychiatry.

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  2. So nice to know your investment of time and money in law school was for naught, huh?

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  3. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who has to deal with jail house lawyers. At least mine don't usually spit. brings us back to why we have purell in out brief cases. janet

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  4. That is so sweeet! It never occured to me that I could go to jail and get the rest of my legal education completed...for free!

    I love the fact that he repeats everything!

    I love the fact that he repeats everything!

    I love the fact that he repeats everything!

    I love the fact that he...

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  5. My guess is that he's had some time to think this through.

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  6. I'm always afraid that the spit is going to get into my eye. And I'll get, like, eye herpes or something.

    I'll have to think about investing in goggles.

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  7. jail house lawyers are the WORST and most DIFFICULT of all the clients that I have to deal with. also, clients that have been in the system for years or former police officers - they think they know everything because they've been there before.

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  8. Ohh no no Mellisa. Jailhouse lawyers are bad but try representing REAL lawyers especially civil lawyers when they get into trouble
    "What do you mean we don't get a deposition before trial????"
    "you call date time and place a bill of particulars?!" (got to agree with them there but on LI that's all that you ever get)and of course "what do you mean you can't beat a blood alcohol test of a .29 with an accident and video, Murderers walk out scott free every day...Look at OJ!!"

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  9. That's hilarious.

    Along the same lines, there's no crime of "murdering someone AND using baking soda toothpaste." It's just murder, just murder, just murder...

    If you wanna walk free after committing a crime, it's simple: just add baking soda!

    We all owe this brilliant legal mind a debt of gratitude. Maybe he can come on the speaking circuit and give us lectures? The recently-indicted CEOs and CFOs of various major crimin^H^H^H^H corporate enterprises would be so upset that they didn't hear this talk before they did what they allegedly didn't realize they were doing.

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