Winner: Best Defense I Had Never Heard Before

And this week's winner of the best defense I had never heard before?

I'm a Libra. Libras don't fight. We're peacemakers.

(On a resisting arrest charge.)

Hmmm... I can sort of see a voir dire on that. "You mentioned you read newspapers, how about your horoscope? Do you read your horoscope regularly?" "And you mentioned that you're single. Have you ever dated someone, or not dated someone, because of their sign?"

Or, what about using it as a reputation for peacefulness? I could bring in an astrologer as both an expert witness and a character witness?

All I know is that from this point forward, I will always check the birthdate of my prostitution clients.

"But Judge, of course she's not guilty, she's a Virgo... the virgin!"

5 comments:

  1. Ha ha. I love this. I'm going to have to remember to ask clients their signs.

    Here are some of my favorites of similar style...

    On a DWI: "But I wasn't drunk, I was smoking meth, there's a big difference."

    On A Possession: "I told the police officer where the drugs were and that they were mine because I thought he would be nicer to me and let me go."

    Theft: "I didn't steal it, but I ended up with it, you know? I was there when they took it and they gave it to me later, so I didn't steal it to me it was a gift."

    Possession: "I know my son didn't have no drugs, cause I gave birth to him."

    Criminal Mischief: "I didn't key the car, but couldn't you just tell the DA what a bitch my ex is? I'm sure she'd understand."

    Evading w/ motor vehicle: "I just thought it would be fun, you know, to try and outrun the cop, just once, you know? But he didn't think it was funny when I told him that after I stopped."

    Possession: "I was just riding around with some hos, you know, and we had some pot, but it wasn't no four pounds!"

    Possession/Unauthorized Use of a Motor Vehicle: "I sa this girl at a bar, and she asked me if I could get her some coke. She gave me her keys to go get her some coke. I was drunk, and I had to keep asking where to find a dealer, because my guy moved. I don't remember buying the drugs, but I do know they were in my shirt pocket and not on the floorboad. But if it was, it was hers, because I must have bought it for her, which is why she let me use her car."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey! I've been reading your blog for a while also - I'm a public defender in NH. I love it!

    I've had a couple of doozies too -

    DUI - I wasn't drinking but I had just taken a shitload of medications that tell me not to operate heavy machinery and I was swerving because my 150 pound pitbull kept rubbing up against my arm and I only drive with one arm.

    ReplyDelete
  3. here's one i heard friday: "I was selling the meth to be able to buy my kids christmas presents."

    and although it's not an excuse, when a cop came up to my client's car outside a club, he asks what he's doing there. so my client tells the absolute truth: "we were chillin', looking for some females."

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think Libras are particularly attuned to their zodiac sign.

    Because I'm a Libra. And totally, we're lovers not fighters. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why don't I ever run into these kinds of excuses in the securities litigation world?

    ReplyDelete