Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

I just want to know if any other defense attorney has ever had, or even just seen, any of these cases... because all of the sudden I've been getting a lot of them:

Client, typically a white guy, typically earning at least double and sometimes triple my salary, and usually arrested wearing a suit, was at a bar all night before he was arrested. He was buying rounds or drinks for friends, maybe some women, maybe the whole bar.

At the end of the night, he gets his tab, and...

Here's where the cases can vary slightly. Maybe he refuses to pay and is charged with some kind of larceny. More likely, though, he refuses to pay and gets in a drunken fight with the bartender and/or bouncer(s), and is charged with the larceny and the assault. And, most likely he also fights the cops when they show up, and adds a resisting arrest charge to the mix.

And, on a good night, it's not just drinks he couldn't pay for, but lapdances too. And lapdances for his friends. Maybe this makes it a grand larceny, because those lapdances can really add up.

Has anyone else had cases like these? Or am I somehow the only one attracting these white still-mostly-drunk frat boy jerks?

Because, the truth is, I don't really give a crap. I'm poor. My clients are poor. My mouth, no matter how drunk it is, will never ever utter the words, "How 'bout a round for the bar on me?" Well, maybe if I won the lottery or something, but never in this lifetime.

I have two things to say to these clients. One: "Don't run bar tabs your ass can't cash;" (Or whatever that saying is) and two: "Ha ha, now you're going to spend more than that bar tab hiring a lawyer. Should've just paid your bill."


  1. As for the lap dances, you only need to know one rule:

    Don't ever pull out a credit card at a strip club.

    Period. Don't do it. Don't think about it. Don't run a tab, don't buy a drink, don't look for the ATM in the corner with the $5 access fee.


    If you're smart you'll leave everything but your license and the amount of money with which you're willing to part in your car.

    Look ... whatever cash you have on you is going to be gone. Just accept that. Guys have pretty low sales resistance as it is, and when you bring boobs into the equation, it's more or less a done deal. Whatever you have on you, it's theirs. So keep it cash-only. At least there's an upper limit that you knew about going in.

    I, of course, read about this in a book.

    As for guys who complain about huge bar (non-boob) tabs ... yeah, I know that guy. That's the guy who, when I go out to dinner in a group with him, I always end up having to tip about 40% to compensate for the fact that he "conveniently" forgot how math works for the evening.

    I bet he was wearing a dirty white ballcap, too. Damn frat boys.

  2. Part of the problem is the strip club being able to use a publicly supported prosecutor to collect a debt. I'm not going to defend the guy who stiffs the bar, he's wrong. But should this situation routinely be treated as a crime? The strip club could have required payment in advance (like many lawyers) and avoided burdening the public with the expense of chasing deadbeats.

  3. How Can You Defend Those People?

    Sounds like you found where you draw the line, eh?

  4. It must be something in the water...


  5. During the day today, I started to have regrets about labelling these guys "frat guys." Maybe it's an insult to fraternity men who don't enjoy getting wasted and lapdances. And it's not as if I actually saw their... I don't know... paddles. So, maybe it was an unfair stereotype.

    But they do wear dirty white hats.

  6. I've read stories of strip clubs taking advantage of drunk patrons offering credit cards and imposing all sorts of fictitious charges on them. They figure they can get away with it because (1) the guy can't remember anyway, (2) they have large bouncers and (3) many guys will pay rather than have to publicly admit they were at a strip club. I imagine those that don't pay and then get beaten up by the bouncer have to deal with larceny/assault charges to boot.

    Moral of the story, don't use credit cards. Or, don't go into those places in the first place, but who are we kidding here?

  7. What's wrong with drinking and lap dances? I was never a frat boy, but I enjoy beer and boobs as much as the next guy.

    Of course, stiffing the bartender ... now that's a hangin offense.