Oh, the way you held my hand...

The boyfriend and I recently went to a minor league baseball game.

If you've never been to a live baseball game, what the heck is wrong with you?!?! No, what I meant to say, is that if you've never been to a live baseball game, you may not know that each player (or, at least, each batter) has usually selected a song that will play for a few seconds as he comes out to bat.

I've thought before about what my at bat song would be, if I were ever to make it to the majors (just hypothetically, of course). It needs to be something energetic and happy and perhaps even intimidating. Maybe I'd want to update it often, so it's always a new song, but some players have the same song for their entire careers, which is kind of cool for fans because the song really becomes associated with that player. Maybe there's some superstition involved too - if you have a great game using a particular song, you'd probably want to keep that song for a while, and if you hit a slump, it might be time for a change. And the whole song doesn't have to be particularly great, it's ok just to pick a few seconds of the songs intro, if that's what you like. (I'd guess that most ballparks would ban profanity in at bat songs, and force players to either chose a radio edit or a few seconds without profanity.)

(ESPN published this list, last year, of some players and their at bat songs. Although, I think that many of these may be incorrect, or, at least, these song choices were shortlived.)

Anyway, we were at a minor league game, and we noticed that one of the player's at bat songs was

Got my first real six string, Bought it at the five and dime. Played it 'til my fingers bled. Was the summer of '69.

I thought this was a really weird choice of an at bat song. First of all, it's not particularly energetic or intimidating. I guess it's a good summer song, but it's not as if the lyrics make it particularly "inspirational." (Maybe if he had chosen to had it cued to the "Those were the best days of my life" part it would have made more sense?) And, it's Bryan Adams, for crying out loud!

Which led the boyfriend to joke, "Yeah, I heard he wanted to use 'Everything I Do, I Do It For You', but they didn't have the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves soundtrack."

We also checked the team roster and found that the player with the Bryan Adams song is also the youngest player on the team. Which left us guessing (or, at least, hoping) that maybe his at bat song was picked by his teammates as some sort of prank or initiation.

So, of course, the next question is, what is the funniest at bat song you could come up with, if it were your job to orchestrate a prank? Because I think they could've come up with something even funnier if they really tried...

  • "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls (This might not pass the profanity test, but I'm sure you could find a few clean seconds of it, just enough to let people know where you're going with it.)
  • Anything by the Chipmunks (Or any other cartoon character, for that matter.)
  • "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper
  • Anything by New Kids On The Block (or probably any other "boy band")

    Come on, join in the fun. What are some other funny choices? (Assuming, of course, that it was meant to be a joke.)

    1. "Beat on the Brat" by The Ramones would be amusing...

    2. the theme song to SpongeBob Square Pants..."Oh.....who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

    3. One of my favorite bat songs was for Lenny Webster (formerly catcher for the Orioles), who had them play En Vogue's "Whatta Man":

      Whatta man
      Whatta man
      Whatta man
      Whatta mighty good man
      Yes he is!

      It just fit Lenny so well. And then he'd smack the ball outta the park (this was in... 1997(?), when the Os were in first wire-to-wire).

    4. The theme song to tv's Batman. Or is that too obvious?

    5. How about "The Wheels on the Bus" from Barney or that old song "Someboy Farted" Anyone remember that?

    6. "Girls" by the Beastie Boys

    7. Three Words: Color. Me. Badd.

      I would pay good money to watch Derek Jeter come to the plate to "I Wanna Sex You Up" while he stares longingly in A-Rod's general direction.

    8. "You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)" by Aretha Franklin. How contrary would those lyrics be to some muscle-bound male standing at the plate?

    9. "Ooops! I Did It Again" by Bwitney

    10. I'd go for the entire Layla, by Eric Clapton.

    11. I'm so glad that someone besides me thinks of these things.

      It's a tough call. Part of me wants to go the other way and pick something completely wrong (Willie Nelson's Crazy ... Harry Chapin, maybe) just to shake up the pitcher.

      A bigger part of me wants to hear angry punk music through 3 million watts of stadium speakers.

      How's bout Joey Ramone's cover of Wonderful World? Classic American tune, badass cover, great guitar lick at the beginning. Plus, it's the last album he cut before he went off to Rock and Roll Heaven.

      Thanks for the blog, btw. I start as a Dekalb County Assistant PD here in GA next week ... excited as hell. I get to object to stuff. Yay.

    12. While we're on the subject of ballgames ....

      In about the fifth inning of every game (sometimes earlier, if there's a pitching change), just when the kids start to get bored. And it starts. The soaring strings. The pumping backbeat. Four fresh-faced, clean-cut park employees bound out on the field. The mascot has on his Indian Chief outfit (or, if your team is the Indians, possibly a Police Officer outfit). The crowd leaps to its feet ... puts their hands in the air, and ....

      "Young man, there's no need to feel down, I say ..."

      HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? Listen to these lyrics:

      Young man, there's a place you can go.
      I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
      You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
      Many ways to have a good time.

      It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
      It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.

      They have everything for you men to enjoy,
      You can hang out with all the boys ...

      Am I the only one getting the impression that the song is not celebrating the athletic facilities at the YMCA? Hell ... the first verse is the subtle part of the song. For instance, we later learn that, at your local YMCA, how "no man does it all by himself." Somehow, I don't think that the People of the Village are celebrating the virtues of teamwork here.

      I'm not criticizing ... if the owners of every major league baseball franchise want to include a song-and-dance number about anonymous man-love in their evening's entertainment, who am I to argue? But I just don't understand why it sells. This is, after all, a country that elected Bush. Twice. Well, once. How did this happen?

    13. Also, one time a friend and I went to a game and befriended the people sitting next to us, who turned out to be neo-Nazis. The girl was sort of cute though.

      Whole other story.

    14. At the Yards we don't do the YMCA - we square dance to "Thank God I'm a Country Boy". This, in the heroin/syphillis capital of the U.S.

      It would be funny if someone played Yanni. Just because it would be confusing.