And, without further ado, my final B&TG recap. I tried to put it off for as long as possible, but it's finally time, so here we go...
The set is a kind of like the Real World reunion shows, if you've ever seen one of those. 2 big sofas for the cast, a big screen for showing clips, and an audience on bleachers all around them.
In the introduction, the host says that "Tonight, we'll get the true story from the 7 beautiful women, and the 7 brilliant men who were part of television's greatest social experiment." Are you ready? And then they introduce the cast...
Erica & Joe
Krystal & Brad
Lauren & Bill
Scarlet & Shawn
Mindi & Richard
and the winners...
Caitilin & Chuck
Wait a minute, let me go back and count. 7 beautiful women? Yup. 7 brilliant men? Wait. I only count 6. Who's missing? Eric, the computer programmer. Well, let's watch, maybe they'll tell us where he is.
So, the host, Brian Seacrest or whatever his name is, asks a question to each cast member. Like, "Caitilin, did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?" and "Lauren, party girl, do you chew bubblegum 24/7?"
And Lauren responds, "I know, I'm like Seacrest out, and I'm like 'Peace Love and Bubblegum' because I chew bubblegum a lot." Um, don't really know what she said, but ok. The host guy doesn't get it either, so she repeats it. Still... um, ok.
Let me say now that this "Aftermath" show is going to be hard to recap because there's not any sort of plot to it, and I don't want to just end up writing a transcript of the show, because it's going to end up long enough as it is. But I'll try to give you a few final highlights to wrap it all up.
We see a few of the castmembers in their interview tapes. Krystal: "Well, I like everything that is expensive." Lauren: "I'd say my IQ is probably about 500."
We see clips of the castmembers first introducing themselves to each other.
Clips of the castmembers choosing their rooms. (And the excitement or disappointment of finding out they'll be sharing beds.)
Clips of the big hottub party on the first night. Shawn can't believe his luck.
Clip of Chuck's first nosebleed. Hey, remember when Chuck used to get nosebleeds? Yeah, I had kind of forgotten about that too. Chuck says, "I think its all the smoke in my room, it kind of dried out the mucous..." Hey, now that I think about it, I never saw any of the castmembers smoking, but I assume that he's saying that Caitilin smokes. Interesting.
Mindi trying to show Richard how to give a massage, and Richard shouting "Ouch! That hurts!"
The host talks to Joe, and how cute it is that he blushes so much. The host guy (how did this host get to become such a big focus, and I don't even know his name???) says that the women in his family all love Joe. The audience claps and "Whoo!"s in, presumably, agreement. I gotta admit, I thought Joe was pretty cute. Too cute to be a "geek" anyway.
Host: Erika, why did you choose Joe as your partner?
Erika: He looks like my little brother! He's so cute, it's like, wer'e both blonde, and he's pale, and I was like, this kid is like my little brother.
At this point, Richard chimes in, "I'm sure that exactly what Joe wants to hear!"
And this is the first time we've heard from Richard. But, believe me, it won't be the last. NO ONE WAS TALKING TO YOU!
Joe says, "After we got eliminated, we went out, and at every bar we went to, guys would come and hit on Erika. And she would tell them that we were brother and sister, so every time they bought her a drink, they'd have to buy me a drink too."
At first, I thought he was saying that after they got eliminated, they dated. But I guess not. I wonder if this is one of those things like they couldn't go home after they were eliminated so they all had to hang out together somewhere. Or, maybe they just kept in touch after the show - but for what? So he could tag along when she went to bars to pick up guys (or be picked up by guys)? They don't really explain.
The audience gets to ask questions.
One guy asks, "I got a question for Bill. Um, being the vice president of the Dukes of Hazard fan club, I really want to know how that helps you out with the ladies."
Um, you mean, aside from the fact that Bill, with his new less-hetero look, is now a pretty attractive guy?
Bill responds, "I just got done judging a Daisy Dukes contest."
Well, that answered that, didn't it?
At the commercial breaks, they had these little polls that were nowhere nearly as funny or clever as my polls. For example, the first one asks, "Which would you rather be? Beauty or Geek?" I guess they're presuming it's impossible to be both. Most people choose "Beauty" and I guess it's easier to get around in this world when you're beautiful, and geek implies not just unattractiveness but also a certain social ineptitude that could be a downfall (e.g. Richard). But, whatever, the point is that their polls are dumb, unlike mine. Right? Right. Moving on.
Next topic: Romances. Clips of Richard kissing everyone, but never really getting much more. Chuck and Scarlet's little romance. Erika and Brad's little shortlived romance.
Erika cries. Richard runs over with some yucky little tissue out of his pocket. Once again, NO ONE WAS TALKING TO YOU. Erika says she hasn't seen Brad since they left the mansion, and asks that host guy, "Can I hug him?" Strangely, Brad doesn't say a word. At all. What's next for them? Erika says it's hard to say, they live far apart, blah blah blah, but "I waited for him." Still, Brad doesn't say anything. Brad is asked, "Is it feasible?" and Brad responds, "Certainly." Joe says, "If they get married, I'm going to be the ring bearer." How cute.
Joe is still a virgin, but he says that he's gotten a few phone numbers "and I didn't even have to pretend to be gay." He also says that he'll be putting his virginity up on ebay. Yeah, I'm sure that'll be really fun for some woman.
Richard has not been on a date since the show... although he had lunch with a woman, which she paid for. Sounds like a date. Especially if we use B&TG's standard that the date asker must be the date payer, then it's almost definitely a date. And, thus, Richard's advanced.
Chuck, did you have a real connection with Scarlet, or was she just playing you? Scarlet gasps, looks hurt, and says, "No!" I would've have been inclined to believe her, just like during the season when Chuck says that he thinks she's the prettiest woman in the house and she looks taken aback and innocently asks "Really?" But, I saw what a bitch she was in that camping episode, and nah... I think she's full of shit. But, whatever, Chuck says it was what it was, and it was a good thing at the time.
Lauren says that she would've made out with someone in the house, if she had known that was the trick to staying in the house, and says she'll make out with Richard. Richard takes off his glasses, and Lauren runs over, actually knocks Richard off his feet and kisses him. The whole time, Richard is saying "No, No, No, No, No!"
Eeew, how would you feel if you kissed that geek and he was saying "No" the whole time? Pretty yicky, huh?
Question from the audience: "Hi. Uh, Joe? I fell in love with you during the show. Would you go on a date with me?" Joe blushes, and says yes. If Joe isn't getting any at this point, it's his own fault.
Shawn answers a question and says that he's kept in touch with the one of the girls that he got the phone number of during a challenge. (See, Chuck, maybe it would've paid off to act straight.)
Time to talk to Chuck and Richard about their relationship. Lots of clips of Richard driving Chuck crazy. Chuck's "early 20s" comment. Richard asking Scarlet out, and she replies "Chuck already asked me." Chuck's "You go down with ridicule" comment. Chuck's constant comments to Richard around the campfire. Wow, Chuck was kind of tough on him.
At the aftermath reunion, Chuck seems willing to 'fess up that he was little unfair to Richard, and blames it on his own insecurities. During this, Richard is just cleaning his glasses, and kind of refuses to answer a question about Chuck. The host says they should bury the hatchet, and asks them each to give the other a compliment. Chuck says, with all apparent sincerity, "Richard, I think you're hilarious. You're really funny." Richard thinks of a compliment for Chuck for a minute and finally says, "Well, Chuckaroo, you remind me of Al Gore!" And Chuck says, "That, to me, is a compliment." It seems like now Richard is the one being a dick. And unless Chuck has really done something to him that we just didn't see, Richard should just let it go.
The host says, "I guess it's safe to say that you two will never see eye to eye." "No," says Richard, "Chuck is much taller than me." I guess the truth about Richard is that it's more important for him to get a laugh than to make a connection.
Maybe now would be a good time to mention Chuck's "look." Talk about someone in need of a makeover. He's got some whole scruffy looking thing going, complete with scraggly facial hair. Not geeky, that's for sure, maybe closer to hippie, but worse nonetheless.
An audience member asks Richard if he's for real. Richard's brother is there to say that, yes, he's for real. And, "he's mellowed with age. He used to be very excitable." Interesting, because I wondered the same thing. And also interesting because Richard's brother doesn't really look anything like him. Someone check the mailman, know what I mean?
More clips of the show, this time the girls looking clueless, then the guys looking equally geeky and clueless. But nothing new.
Krystal's geography is tested on a giant U.S. map. And all of the women get a chance to redeem themselves by answering questions they had missed earlier in the season. Krystal can find South Dakota. Scarlet can name 4 states that begin with "New." Lauren still can't add 3 numbers together. Cheryl doesn't know anything more about D-Day, but she shows a history paper that she got an A on. She wrote it in pink. A woman after my own heart.
Shawn is put on the spot when he's asked to give his best pick-up line into the camera. And he says, "Hi, I'm Shawn, what's your name?" Which I think is better than most "lines," so I'd say he is right.
And, finally, Richard is asked if he knows Mindi's middle name. Richard stalls, and Mindi says, "Richard, I'll make out with you if you get it right." And, he gives THE RIGHT ANSWER! Mindi FREAKS OUT! She really had no intention of doing it. She turns bright red, she covers her face, the audience starts chanting "Mindi," and finally Mindi gives Richard a big kiss. Don't know if that counts as "making out," but it was something.
And Mindi's middle name? Nicole. We didn't even guess that one!
The castmembers talk about what they learned from the show. Blah blah blah.
And the castmembers get to ask each other questions.
Mindi asks Shawn, whose hair is spiked up the way it was after the makeover, whether he's been doing his hair like that ever since, or whether it's just for "the aftermath." She probably saw the clip where he looked like a spotted fawn or something and was just as concerned as I was. He assures us that he's been keeping up with it. Good.
Krystal asks Richard, "What was it like, since I was the first girl you kissed?" HERE IT COMES! HERE COMES THE TWIST! HERE'S WHERE SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT REALLY A GIRL! WAIT FOR IT... WAIT FOR IT... Richard says he was glad it was her, and he kisses her again. Wait a minute! WTF? No mention? Well, there's still a few minutes left. Also, I gotta say, if this wasn't the time when she reveals the show's twist, then it sure sounds like she's fishing for a pathetic compliment.
Finally Chuck and Caitilin come up and are congratulated. They're asked what they're going to do with the money. Chuck is going to pay off some tuition bills, Caitilin is going to buy cowboy boots and invest the rest. I'm still trying to figure out whether they're splitting $250,000 or each getting that much. But, there's no giant check, so maybe we'll never know.
And, that's that. Wow, we survived. Someone should pay me $250,000 for watching every minute of this season not once but twice. (I almost always rewatched it to write my recap.) Where's my giant check?
Number of times "social experiment" was said: 2 Have I mentioned how much that annoys me? If this is a social experiment, than Amazing Race is a thesis in geography or something.
Number of mentions of Eric, the missing guy: 0. What the heck happened to him? I thought for sure they'd at least say, "Eric couldn't be with us today, he's..." working on something amazing. Maybe he didn't want anything to do with B&TG? Maybe he did something to piss off Ashton? We're left to wonder.
Number of explanations of whether Krystal was really male or female, pre-op or post-op? 0. I guess we'll never know if that was the real "twist" to the show.
And, like I said, if you're one of my readers and you're applying for Season Two, let me know and I promise not to make fun of you... or, at least not too much.