Tally Me Bananas

One of my favorite clients has a serious drug problem. He's been arrested so many times, he's kind of become my professional client. So, it's a good thing that he's one of my favorite clients, since I have to deal with him a lot.

Today we talked about a drug program. The judge has given him two options. The first option is a relatively short jail sentence to wrap up all of his open cases. The second option is to go into a residential drug program for the same length of time, but, here's the catch, if he gets discharged from the program, he'll get double the jail time.

On one hand, for the obvious reasons, he'd rather be in a drug treatment program than in the city jail. But he understands that it's hard to be successful in drug treatment and he doesn't want to end up with more jail time.

And he definitely needs a drug program, so maybe this would be a good opportunity for him. But, on the other hand, he could always finish off the time in jail and then get himself into treatment without the threat of jail hanging over his head.

So, we talked a little about the nature of his addiction. I can tell from his rap sheet he has a serious addiction. When he's out of jail, he can't go a month without getting arrested. Sometimes he's been rearrested the day after his release.

I asked a few questions: what he used, how often he used, when he started. Then he told me, "But Miss Justice, I never sold drugs. Because, you know, a monkey can't sell bananas."

Ha! A monkey can't sell bananas! How funny is that?


  1. That is great. I wonder if I will ever be able to use that in a closing argument.

    Great blog. Keep writing and giving the rest of us a little perspective on this nutty job we do.

  2. It's a funny line, and I haven't heard it before. I've been reading your blog for only a couple weeks and enjoy it a lot.

    It doesn't sound like your client really wants what the treatment program offers, but you never know. I was miserable but not seeking help when I was arrested for my only DUI in January 1991. And in my final court-ordered AA meeting I heard what I needed to hear. I haven't had a drink since Aug. 7, 1991. But as I said, I was miserable enough on the inside, although successful professionally. It sounds like your client still enjoys it, and that's going to be a problem that no treatment program can help.